Despite all the advancements we've made in weather prediction, disaster preparedness, and sandbag technology, most of us are absolutely screwed if Mother Nature decides to throw a fit. That's why extreme weather has become a sort of boogeyman for humanity, one we love making the bad guy in action movies because we are terrified of how helpless it makes us feel.
And like any boogeyman, the urban legends and old wives' tales have completely outpaced the original threat. So let's take a minute to put at least five of those absurd legends to bed right now. [CRACKED]
We believe it was Carl Sagan who said, "Every atom in your asshole was forged in the heart of a dying star." It's another way of saying that the life of the universe is one long story of things exploding and then re-forming into other things, only to explode later and have it all happen again.
So while we spend our lives worrying about some sort of Earth-shaking cataclysm like an asteroid strike or an earthquake, the truth is that we wouldn't be here without disasters even bigger than that. Life as we know it was only able to form because the universe likes to slap us around every few billion years. It's a form of tough love, we suppose. [CRACKED]
If some fringe theorists have their way, Earth has just over a month to live.
The Mayan Apocalypse is coming, after all — The Maya Long Count calendar ends on Dec. 21, 2012, leading to rumors of the end of the world. Scholars of Mayan culture have repeatedly pointed out that the end of the calendar wouldn't have been seen as an apocalypse to the Maya, but a good doomsday story is hard to keep down.
While rumors fly online about the Dec. 21 date, Mayan apocalypse believers are hardly the first to imagine the world ending. Here are some of the inventive and terrifying post-apocalyptic futures ever portrayed in literature and film. [LS]
That is one thing you might've noticed I don't complain about: Politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. But where do the people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality.
They come from american parents and american families, american homes, american schools, american churches, american businesses and american universities. and they're elected by american citizens. This is the best we can do, folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out! If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, if you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you are gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders. The term limits ain't goinna do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So maybe, maybe, maybe it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here. Like... the public. Yeah. The public sucks! There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody.
"The public sucks, fuck hope!". Fuck hope.
Because if it's really just the fault of these politicians then where are all the other bright people of conscience? Where are all the bright, honest, inteligent americans ready to step in and save the Nation and lead the way? We don't have people like that in this country; everybody's at the mall, scratching his ass, picking his nose, taking his credit card out of his fanny pack and buying a pair of sneakers with lights in them! So I have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way: On election day... I stay home. I don't vote. Fuck'em, fuck'em! I don't vote. Two reasons, two reasons I don't vote: First of all, is meaningless. This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago. The shit they shuffle around every 4 years, *pfff* doesn't mean a fucking thing.
And secondly I don't vote because I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around, I know. They say: "Well, if you don't vote, you have no right to complain"; but where's the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people and they get into office and screw everything up... well, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain as long as I want about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with. So I know that a little later on this year you're going to have another of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much, you enjoy yourselves it'll be alot of fun. I'm sure that as soon as the election is over your country will improve immediately. As for me, I'll be home that day doing essentially the same thing as you. The only difference is, when I get finished masturbating I'm gonna have a little something to show for it folks.
Today at 1:00 PM eastern time President Obama and his opponent Mitt Romney announced a joint plan to suspend their campaigns and convene an emergency meeting in the epicenter of hurricane Sandy. The purpose of the meeting is meteorological in nature.
The nature of a hurricane is such that the mixture of warm winds from the south and cold air from the north Atlantic coast combine to form the destructive power of the whirlwind.
The candidates have agreed to convene an emergency series of presidential debates to provide an overwhelming current of hot air and thus quell the storm in its path. [FTTWR]
The atomic bomb reached deep into the world's collective consciousness, changing everything forever. Testing something like that meant serious research into how a nuclear explosion would affect every part of life, including: "Will this bomb irradiate my beer?"
Documents uncovered by Alex Wellerstein at Restricted Data show that the infamous Operation Teapot--a series of 14 nuclear weapons tests beginning in 1955--featured tests on packaged food, including beer. Those staged mannequins and houses in the Nevada desert you might know from old footage? Beer and soda was placed in them, because, hey, you still need to kick back a little after The End of Days.
For those of us who grew up in the '80s and '90s, it's difficult to fully understand just how close to annihilation we actually came in the 20th century. With the two most powerful nations on Earth threatening to detonate their entire nuclear arsenals at the slightest provocation, one would assume that the respective governments would have treated the situation with the care and respect it deserved (spoiler: they didn't). [cracked]
It's perhaps as inevitable as seeing a partially clad Danica Patrick trying to sell us domain names; the 2012 Mayan doomsday phenomenon is coming to this weekend's Super Bowl.
All this doomsday nonsense was bound to grab the attention of one or two marketing departments, and for the famous 2012 Super Bowl ads, the automobile manufacturer Chevy wants you to know that when the end of the world comes, you'd better be driving their car.
The doomsday parody shows a Chevy Silverado pickup being driven by a guy -- with a dog for company -- as he rolls through the ruins of a city. He coasts past what appears to be the head of a large Transformer, a crashed flying saucer, a burning Bob's Bog Boy and gurgling volcano. To push the point home, the opening scene shows a newspaper headline "2012 Mayan Apocalypse" with the subhead "Will the world end today?"
From the 1950s up through the early 1990s, the specter of nuclear war cast a shadow over the world like a giant, gloomy mushroom tattoo.
Hollywood and our own morbid imaginations came up with any number of scenarios that would wipe out humanity in a series of blinding flashes: robots, Russian and American policies of mutually assured destruction. But Kubrick was probably closest when he imagined the nuclear era as a game of poker between cocky, absent-minded lunatics. Only he probably didn't go far enough. After all, he could have never imagined ... [cracked]
In case you hadn't heard, Judgment Day is penciled in for 21 May and any Christians among you who hadn't made provision for your pets' well-being after the Rapture had better pull your fingers out before you take your place at God's right hand and your poor moggy is left stuck here on Earth staring at an empty bowl.
Make no mistake, this is serious. Harold Camping, the 89-year-old founder of Family Radio, has spent years scouring the Bible for evidence of just when it's time for believers to pack their celestial suitcases. True, they had to unpack again back in September 2004 following Camping's first shot at naming the big day, but he assures that this time it is "absolutely going to happen without any question".
So, you're ascending to eternal glory and your cat's litter needs changing. It's an upsetting thought for any true follower of Christ, but help is at hand in the form of another creature absolutely guaranteed to be left behind by the heavenly mass exodus: the atheist.
Yes indeed, thank God for the animal-loving non-believer willing to take up the slack, such as those recruited by After The Rapture Pet Care:
Obi-Wan Kenobi, the mastermind of some of the most devastating attacks on the Galactic Empire and the most hunted man in the galaxy, was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.
In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the Imperial Palace, Lord Vader declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that agents of the Imperial Army and stormtroopers of the 501st Legion had finally cornered Kenobi, one of the leaders of the Jedi rebellion, who had eluded the Empire for nearly two decades. Imperial officials said Kenobi resisted and was cut down by Lord Vader's own lightsaber. He was later dumped out of an airlock.
The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered in the Senate District and outside the Imperial Palace, waving imperial flags, cheering, shouting, laughing and chanting, “Hail to the Emperor! Hail Lord Vader!” In the alien protection zone, crowds sang “The Ten Thousand Year Empire.” Throughout the Sah'c district, airspeeder drivers honked horns deep into the night. [ link ]
Federal agents hired to transport nuclear weapons and components sometimes got drunk while on convoy missions, a government watchdog said Monday. In an incident last year, police detained two agents who went to a bar during an assignment.
The Energy Department's assistant inspector general, Sandra D. Bruce, said her office reviewed 16 alcohol-related incidents involving agents, candidate-agents and others from the government's Office of Secure Transportation between 2007 through 2009. Nearly 600 federal agents ship nuclear weapons, weapon components and special nuclear material across the U.S.
Two incidents in particular raised red flags, the report said, because they happened during secure transportation missions while agents checked into local hotels while on extended missions. In these cases, the vehicles were placed in "safe harbor," meaning they were moved to secure locations. [ YAHOO NEWS ]
Science is like heroin: It’ll give you some of the best and worst times of your life, and occasionally they will be the exact same thing (sure, that body high is amazing, but you’ll have to live with the shame of that indecent exposure arrest at the Red Robin for the rest of your life). Here are five inventions that will most likely revolutionize the modern way of life, right before they flush it down the toilet. LINK HERE!
For 3 years you YouTubers have been ripping us off, taking tens of thousands of our videos and putting them on YouTube. Now the tables are turned. It's time for us to take matters into our own hands.
We know who you are, we know where you live and we could come after you in ways too horrible to tell. But being the extraordinarily nice chaps we are, we've figured a better way to get our own back: We've launched our own Monty Python channel on YouTube.
No more of those crap quality videos you've been posting. We're giving you the real thing - HQ videos delivered straight from our vault.
What's more, we're taking our most viewed clips and uploading brand new HQ versions. And what's even more, we're letting you see absolutely everything for free. So there!
But we want something in return.
None of your driveling, mindless comments. Instead, we want you to click on the links, buy our movies & TV shows and soften our pain and disgust at being ripped off all these years.
This was too hilarious to pass up by not sharing. I will get back the real news at hand this week among the stories listed below.... until then enjoy :)
Staring at women’s breast is good for men’s health and makes them live longer, a new study reveals.
Researchers have discovered that a 10-minute ogle at women’s breasts is as healthy as half-an-hour in the gym.
A five-year study of 200 men found that those who enjoyed a longing look at busty beauties had lower blood pressure, less heart disease and slower pulse rates compared to those who did not get their daily eyeful.
If you mind foul language I recommend you skip this one. However, if you want to laugh your ass off - and have a little fun with the site we run, Push play now.
Humor 
