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Welcome to Armageddon Online - Disaster News, Future Scenarios, Preparedness and Survival


4 Ways the World Can Actually End (That Would Be Worth It)
September 07, 2014

You are going to die. All of us will, eventually. It's inevitable. With that in mind, have you thought about how you'd like to see it happen? If you're anything like me, you've spent the past couple of weeks thinking about that very thing. Maybe you're still thinking about it. Maybe you hope it happens right fucking now. Who knows?

Digital Vision./Photodisc/Getty Images
Yes, please!

Except not "yes, please" (start reading captions if you don't know what I'm referring to here), because what you see above is an image of a nuclear blast, and as I discussed in this column the last time I was hoping the world would open up and swallow me whole, a nuclear blast is absurdly survivable. If I'm being completely honest, this strikes me as the most pronounced and recognizable failing of nuclear technology. Scary? Sure. Scary enough? Nope.

At least, it's not scary enough if death is what you fear, because there's a good chance that, instead of killing you, it's just going to make everything terrible around you. You probably have enough "nuclear weapons" capable of doing that in your life right now. If shit is really going to go down, you want it to go down. We sort of talk about that on this week's Unpopular Opinion podcast in that one of the guests once went through an exorcism ...

.. which is something you might want to look into if you expect to be dead soon. Get right with who you need to get right with, you know? Otherwise, it doesn't have much to do with what's happening here. Listen to it anyway.

Now, here's how I hope I die someday.


5 Popular Beliefs That Are Holding Humanity Back
October 08, 2013
5 things holding back humanity
Humans believe in a lot of stupid shit, and we do something stupid as a result of those beliefs about, oh, once every five seconds. And sure, most of you reading this are educated types who don't believe in Bigfoot or psychic readings, but there are a whole bunch of equally stupid/harmful superstitions out there that are so commonly held that we don't even think of them as such. Very few of us don't fall victim to at least a few of them.

In fact, I'm something of an expert on this because I believe literally hundreds of idiotic things, and also because I wrote a ridiculous best-seller about an apocalypse brought about by people believing in apocalypses. And I say that, in order to keep humanity from imploding, we have to give up believing ... [CRACKED]
5 Ways the World Might End
October 01, 2013
For all of humanity's moxie, optimism, and drive to build a better future, a lot of us spend an extraordinary amount of time imagining how we're going to snuff it en masse. This modern-day parlor game has created armies of "armchair survivalists" -- people who aren't really motivated to do anything proactive to save their own skins, but are really committed to DVRing television shows about preppers prepping. We've become pretty good at imagining what we might do in a variety of apocalyptic events -- if we weren't too lazy to live.

There are plenty of humanity-ending scenarios where there's a relative consensus for the best place to ride it out. Zombie outbreak? Shopping mall. New Ice Age? New York Public Library, Stephen A. Schwarzman Building. Kingdom of spiders? Hunting lodge by Shatner's side. Mayan apocalypse rain date? John Cusack's limo. Here are a few still up for debate. [CRACKED]
Burt Gummer - Original Doomsday Prepper
September 05, 2013
Burt Gummer Doomsday Prepper
5 Survival Stories (Almost) Too Miraculous to be Real
August 21, 2013
A human being is a fragile creature. All it takes is a nasty bump or a wrong meal to finish us off. Still, as we have previously pointed out, under the right circumstances people can be borderline invincible. There are a few men and women who have been able to survive things that could -- and by all rights should -- kill a horde of elephants. Let's take a moment to celebrate these unkillable supermen.
5 survival stories
Pandemic of pension woes is plaguing the nation
August 05, 2013
pension pandemic
Detroit, you're not alone.  Across the nation, cities and states are watching Detroit's largest-ever municipal bankruptcy filing with great trepidation. Years of underfunded retirement promises to public sector workers, which helped lay Detroit low, could plunge them into a similar and terrifying financial hole.

A CNBC.com analysis of more than 120 of the nation's largest state and local pension plans finds they face a wide range of burdens as their aging workforces near retirement.
5 Machines That Are Already Learning Humanity's Weaknesses
July 20, 2013
5 Machines That Are Already Learning Humanity's Weaknesses
Being wiped out by Terminators is one of humanity's greatest fears, when it's really wishful thinking. We flatter ourselves that the machines would need hyperalloy killingmotrons. The average modern human isn't even a match for a malfunctioning escalator, and millions are already being defeated by nothing more than phones with pizza on speed dial.

If the machines ever do become sentient and dispatch deathbots, it'll only be to make us feel better, because the devices that already know our weaknesses are just too embarrassing. [CRACKED]
5 Gigantic Wars You Won't Believe Almost Happened
July 17, 2013
Much like pro wrestling or your last date, war is full of complicated maneuvers, barely missed shots, and near pinfalls. The tiniest change in the course of events could result in a completely different outcome: Imagine if the Nazis had invaded England instead of Poland, or if Napoleon had unleashed a squad of Dinobot Dragoons during the defining moments of Waterloo. We'd be looking at completely different history books. History is full of these potentially game-changing battles that almost came to be. It's impossible to know exactly what the results would have been, but it's mind-boggling to think that...
major wars that almost happened
Sharknado: the most terribly good movie of the summer
July 14, 2013
Sharknado, pundemic on Twitter, has restored the B-movie back to its rightful place in American life: cult summer blockbuster and universal inside joke. To join in you don't need a TV or even to have seen the movie. You only must appreciate absurdity  -- and tolerate portmanteaus:

In case the title left anything to doubt, a quick summary of the film: a tornado spews sharks into Los Angeles. One lands in Tara Reid's pool, another bounces off a barstool. Helicopters throw bombs at the weather. A character named 'Fin', played by a Chippendales dancer, leaps into the open jaws of a projectile Great White and chainsaws his way out of its rubber belly, screaming. The tagline reads: "Enough said".
5 Things That Should Be on Every Apocalypse To-Do List
June 05, 2013
So you've read the tea leaves, decoded the Bible, and found an ancient stone tablet buried under a box of ancient stone Underoos and tactical bacon, and all signs point to the end of the world being nigh. Nothing good is ever described as being nigh. What's a person to do?

We've had apocalypse scares for years now, from semi-legit-sounding ones like Y2K (which is to say people on the news really made it seem like it could be a problem) to totally batshit crazy ones like Harold Camping and his calendar-hopping Armageddon that just keeps rescheduling itself. Combine those with all the movies that broach the subject, and odds are every one of us has, at some point, pondered what we would do if we knew the world was ending. It's an interesting thought exercise, but one that is far too often treated as a joke. So what better place to seriously address this issue than a comedy site? No jokes here. Let me put on my spectacles and some thinking trousers.If the world were going to end tomorrow, or in a week, or in some inconveniently short period of time, I like to think these are the things we should all do to wrap up what was, all things being equal, a pretty alright existence.
things to do before apocalypse
5 Ridiculous Natural Disaster Myths You Probably Believe
March 24, 2013
disaster preparedness
Despite all the advancements we've made in weather prediction, disaster preparedness, and sandbag technology, most of us are absolutely screwed if Mother Nature decides to throw a fit. That's why extreme weather has become a sort of boogeyman for humanity, one we love making the bad guy in action movies because we are terrified of how helpless it makes us feel.

And like any boogeyman, the urban legends and old wives' tales have completely outpaced the original threat. So let's take a minute to put at least five of those absurd legends to bed right now. [CRACKED]
5 Horrific Disasters That Made Human Life Possible
March 14, 2013
We believe it was Carl Sagan who said, "Every atom in your asshole was forged in the heart of a dying star." It's another way of saying that the life of the universe is one long story of things exploding and then re-forming into other things, only to explode later and have it all happen again.

So while we spend our lives worrying about some sort of Earth-shaking cataclysm like an asteroid strike or an earthquake, the truth is that we wouldn't be here without disasters even bigger than that. Life as we know it was only able to form because the universe likes to slap us around every few billion years. It's a form of tough love, we suppose. [CRACKED]

life on earth
... and It's All Over!!! Top 10 Post-Apocalyptic Worlds
November 20, 2012
apocalyptic world
If some fringe theorists have their way, Earth has just over a month to live.

The Mayan Apocalypse is coming, after all — The Maya Long Count calendar ends on Dec. 21, 2012, leading to rumors of the end of the world. Scholars of Mayan culture have repeatedly pointed out that the end of the calendar wouldn't have been seen as an apocalypse to the Maya, but a good doomsday story is hard to keep down.

While rumors fly online about the Dec. 21 date, Mayan apocalypse believers are hardly the first to imagine the world ending. Here are some of the inventive and terrifying post-apocalyptic futures ever portrayed in literature and film. [LS]
George Carlin Doesn't vote
November 06, 2012

That is one thing you might've noticed I don't complain about: Politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. But where do the people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky. They don't pass through a membrane from another reality.

They come from american parents and american families, american homes, american schools, american churches, american businesses and american universities. and they're elected by american citizens. This is the best we can do, folks. This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out! If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, if you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you are gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders. The term limits ain't goinna do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So maybe, maybe, maybe it's not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here. Like... the public. Yeah. The public sucks! There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody.

"The public sucks, fuck hope!". Fuck hope.

Because if it's really just the fault of these politicians then where are all the other bright people of conscience? Where are all the bright, honest, inteligent americans ready to step in and save the Nation and lead the way? We don't have people like that in this country; everybody's at the mall, scratching his ass, picking his nose, taking his credit card out of his fanny pack and buying a pair of sneakers with lights in them! So I have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way: On election day... I stay home. I don't vote. Fuck'em, fuck'em! I don't vote. Two reasons, two reasons I don't vote: First of all, is meaningless. This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago. The shit they shuffle around every 4 years, *pfff* doesn't mean a fucking thing.

And secondly I don't vote because I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around, I know. They say: "Well, if you don't vote, you have no right to complain"; but where's the logic in that? If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people and they get into office and screw everything up... well, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote, who did not vote, who in fact did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain as long as I want about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with. So I know that a little later on this year you're going to have another of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much, you enjoy yourselves it'll be alot of fun. I'm sure that as soon as the election is over your country will improve immediately. As for me, I'll be home that day doing essentially the same thing as you. The only difference is, when I get finished masturbating I'm gonna have a little something to show for it folks.

Thank you very much. 

George Carlin Doesn't Vote

Alert: President Obama Suspends Campaign, Travels to Cone of Hurricane
October 29, 2012
Obama Romney Hurricane
Today at 1:00 PM eastern time President Obama and his opponent Mitt Romney announced a joint plan to suspend their campaigns and convene an emergency meeting in the epicenter of hurricane Sandy. The purpose of the meeting is meteorological in nature.

The nature of a hurricane is such that the mixture of warm winds from the south and cold air from the north Atlantic coast combine to form the destructive power of the whirlwind.

The candidates have agreed to convene an emergency series of presidential debates to provide an overwhelming current of hot air and thus quell the storm in its path. [FTTWR]
The U.S. Conducted Atomic Weapons Tests On Beer
September 19, 2012
atomic testing beer
The atomic bomb reached deep into the world's collective consciousness, changing everything forever. Testing something like that meant serious research into how a nuclear explosion would affect every part of life, including: "Will this bomb irradiate my beer?"

Documents uncovered by Alex Wellerstein at Restricted Data show that the infamous Operation Teapot--a series of 14 nuclear weapons tests beginning in 1955--featured tests on packaged food, including beer. Those staged mannequins and houses in the Nevada desert you might know from old footage? Beer and soda was placed in them, because, hey, you still need to kick back a little after The End of Days.

6 Tiny Mistakes That Almost Ended the World
May 02, 2012
For those of us who grew up in the '80s and '90s, it's difficult to fully understand just how close to annihilation we actually came in the 20th century. With the two most powerful nations on Earth threatening to detonate their entire nuclear arsenals at the slightest provocation, one would assume that the respective governments would have treated the situation with the care and respect it deserved (spoiler: they didn't). [cracked]
The Final Countdown!
March 17, 2012
Final Countdown
2012 Mayan Doomsday Inspires Chevy Super Bowl Ad - with Video
February 04, 2012
2012 chevy mayan doomsday

It's perhaps as inevitable as seeing a partially clad Danica Patrick trying to sell us domain names; the 2012 Mayan doomsday phenomenon is coming to this weekend's Super Bowl.

All this doomsday nonsense was bound to grab the attention of one or two marketing departments, and for the famous 2012 Super Bowl ads, the automobile manufacturer Chevy wants you to know that when the end of the world comes, you'd better be driving their car.

The doomsday parody shows a Chevy Silverado pickup being driven by a guy -- with a dog for company -- as he rolls through the ruins of a city. He coasts past what appears to be the head of a large Transformer, a crashed flying saucer, a burning Bob's Bog Boy and gurgling volcano. To push the point home, the opening scene shows a newspaper headline "2012 Mayan Apocalypse" with the subhead "Will the world end today?"

Happy 2012! Here's hoping the Mayans are full of sh*t!
December 30, 2011
2012 mayans
7 Nuclear Weapon Screw-Ups You Won't Believe We Survived
December 08, 2011

nuclear screw ups

From the 1950s up through the early 1990s, the specter of nuclear war cast a shadow over the world like a giant, gloomy mushroom tattoo.

Hollywood and our own morbid imaginations came up with any number of scenarios that would wipe out humanity in a series of blinding flashes: robots, Russian and American policies of mutually assured destruction. But Kubrick was probably closest when he imagined the nuclear era as a game of poker between cocky, absent-minded lunatics. Only he probably didn't go far enough. After all, he could have never imagined ... [cracked]

Doomsday / Friday Parody - Doomsday, Rapture
May 24, 2011
Armageddon a free house!
May 17, 2011
armageddon a free house rapture
CATS to be saved by BLASPHEMERS after the RAPTURE
May 17, 2011

In case you hadn't heard, Judgment Day is penciled in for 21 May and any Christians among you who hadn't made provision for your pets' well-being after the Rapture had better pull your fingers out before you take your place at God's right hand and your poor moggy is left stuck here on Earth staring at an empty bowl.

Make no mistake, this is serious. Harold Camping, the 89-year-old founder of Family Radio, has spent years scouring the Bible for evidence of just when it's time for believers to pack their celestial suitcases. True, they had to unpack again back in September 2004 following Camping's first shot at naming the big day, but he assures that this time it is "absolutely going to happen without any question".

So, you're ascending to eternal glory and your cat's litter needs changing. It's an upsetting thought for any true follower of Christ, but help is at hand in the form of another creature absolutely guaranteed to be left behind by the heavenly mass exodus: the atheist.

Yes indeed, thank God for the animal-loving non-believer willing to take up the slack, such as those recruited by After The Rapture Pet Care:

Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Dead, Vader Says
May 11, 2011
darth vader says obi-wan dead

Obi-Wan Kenobi, the mastermind of some of the most devastating attacks on the Galactic Empire and the most hunted man in the galaxy, was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.

In a late-night appearance in the East Room of the Imperial Palace, Lord Vader declared that “justice has been done” as he disclosed that agents of the Imperial Army and stormtroopers of the 501st Legion had finally cornered Kenobi, one of the leaders of the Jedi rebellion, who had eluded the Empire for nearly two decades. Imperial officials said Kenobi resisted and was cut down by Lord Vader's own lightsaber. He was later dumped out of an airlock. 

The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered in the Senate District and outside the Imperial Palace, waving imperial flags, cheering, shouting, laughing and chanting, “Hail to the Emperor! Hail Lord Vader!” In the alien protection zone, crowds sang “The Ten Thousand Year Empire.” Throughout the Sah'c district, airspeeder drivers honked horns deep into the night.  [ link ]

Worried about 2012 =)
May 10, 2011
2012 comic humor joke
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Nostradamus - 2012 - Armageddon Events - End of the World Scenarios - Natural Disasters