Christian/Religious Humor [Archive] - Armageddon Online Forums

LC Jeffries

Dec 3rd, 2003, 7:07 AM

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to start a thread with Christian and Religious Humor. There are indviduals here who seemed to think that Christians don't believe in humor as far as their faith. Well if there is anyone out there, who has any good jokes related to Christians how about posting them here? Here's my first.

Lori

A Priest, Rabbi and Minister . . .

A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern University in Marquette.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quick grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, by the grace of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory voice, he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a crick. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship - feasting on God's Holy Word and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers!

:cool:

SeekNDestroy

Dec 3rd, 2003, 2:48 PM

Hehe :rollin:

No paedophile jokes please guys

evilwill

Dec 3rd, 2003, 7:11 PM

I have a one liner......

There was a time when everyone believed in god and the church ruled. This time was called the dark ages.

AngelTV

Dec 3rd, 2003, 9:09 PM

Joke:- Why did it take God 6 days to create everything?
Answer:- He was being paid by the hour.:rollin: :rollin:

LC Jeffries

Dec 3rd, 2003, 9:19 PM

Angel,

I Love it.:rollin: :lol: :D

LC Jeffries

Dec 3rd, 2003, 9:27 PM

A young lad was vising a church for the first time, checking all the announcements and posters along the walls. When he came to a group of pictures of men in uniform, he asked a nearby usher, "Who are all those men in the pictures?" The usher replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service." Dumbfounded, the youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or evening service?"

(by Lonnie Selstad, Tracy, CA as submitted to ECULAUGH)

DontBeAfraid

Dec 3rd, 2003, 9:28 PM

Your first joke was not critical of your faith LC, those are the jokes most christians cant handle.

Here is one for you. paraphrased of course...

An atheist/agnostic man was coming home from a hike one rainy day when he found himself confronted by a very hungry very angry bear. He ran as hard as he could but it wasnt enough, he tripped and the bear was right there for him.... lying there, hopeless, looking up at this hungry bear, thinking about his life, he decided "what harm could it do" and he prayed to god for help.

"God, if you really exist, please help me out here." and like that the clouds broke and the light of god shined down on him and the bear.

"Why should I help you?" inquired god,"You have spent your entire life convincing people I dont exist"

The man thought for a second "I guess you're right.. you really dont owe me anything... but maybe, since you are all benevolent you could make the bear a christian?"

"that seems fair" So like that the bear was a christian, god left the scene, the clouds filled the sky and it began to rain again.

The man lay there, releaved and looking at the bear

The bear looking much the same, staring at the man.

"So I guess youre not gonna kill me now?" asked the man

"Oh Im still gonna kill you... but first." and with that the bear got down on his knees clasped his paws together and said
"Dear father in heaven I thank you for the meal I am about to receive".....

LC Jeffries

Dec 3rd, 2003, 9:39 PM

:rollin: :rollin: :lol: :D

Bigsky770

Dec 3rd, 2003, 10:11 PM

:lol: :rollin: :lol: :rollin: :lol:
- - Good jokes people! Enjoyed them much- - (If I could think of any right now I would post)- - If in the future I should come across any, I'll post them here.

Thanx for the giggles,
Joe (Bigsky770)

LC Jeffries

Dec 3rd, 2003, 10:17 PM

Everyone enjoys a bit of fun once in awhile. It takes our minds off of what is happening in the World.

Please Everyone, No personal attacks here. Just have fun.

Lori

Bigsky770

Dec 3rd, 2003, 11:07 PM

Found some "One Liners" hope you'll enjoy- - -

Christian One-Liners

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.

Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.

It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.

- - Submitted by Joe (Bigsky770)

AngelTV

Dec 4th, 2003, 12:13 AM

There is a Christian, an Islamic and a Hindu sitting on a park bench. The Christian says "My faith is about Love and Peace"
The Muslim says "My faith is about Love and Peace"
The Hindu says '" My faith is about Love and Peace"
Then all of a sudden the Devil appears and says "I'll Be the Judge and choose the winner. Last one standing wins"
:smokin:

Mensa Genius

Dec 4th, 2003, 1:19 AM

There was a big boxing match between the devil and Jesus. The devil was 6 foot 6 built and strong with a 12 pac and Jesus was 5 foot 7 Skinny and he didnt even have a one pac. The devil started a bet and invited high roller guests Ted turner was there, Dubya was there, even Saddam Hussein was there!! Dubya looked at the devil and shouted out from the top of the lungs " I am betting on satan" and Saddam shouted out "yeah he is big strong just like our fittest arabs" , Ted turner said "so this as the bet which would put back AOLTIMEWarner back in the green", and he also bet on the devil. A quick twenty minutes went past by and everyone bet on the devil. The bell rang and the fight begun, and the devil was giving upper cuts, blows to the face, and Jesus was being hit left right and centre. Two rounds went by and the same thing was happening the devil was as strong as ever and he only needed one punch and he was sure he would knock out Jesus. So the devil got his arm and swang it round and round ready to give Jesus the blow of his life, and right before the hit, Jesus moved right dodged the punch and very softly touched the devil, and the was sudden silence. The devil stood very still for 3 minutes and then finally he fell straight down on his face. Its a Knock out Don King shouted on the Microphone," Jesus wins". So there then a big fight broke out and the security guards kicked everyone out of the stadium. A few hours later the devil regained a little bit of his energy, and walked out the back door of the stadium with a huge sack of money behind him, "stupid humans" he said to himself, "I cant believe I am the only one who bet on Jesus winning.. Muahahahaha :lol: :evil:"

Mensa Genius

Dec 4th, 2003, 1:26 AM

Andrew had been a coma for three weeks after a bad hockey accident, and the doctors went to his family and told him there was nothing they could do, Andrew was going to be in the coma for life. After a lot of thought Andrews family decided to pull the plug. Moments later Andrew was knocking on the doors of heaven, "knock, knock, knock", he waited and a few minutes later God asked "who is it" , "let me in please" Andrew Cried..... God replied " but i am not expecting you now" to which Andrew replied " yeah some bastard pulled the plug!"

steven marshall

Dec 5th, 2003, 3:17 PM

There was a group of tourists in the middle of the swiss alps. They wanted to visit a monastary at the top of a mountain. The only way to this monastary was to be hoisted up via a large basket tied to a rope.

One by one the tourists entered the basket, accompanied by a monk who was pulling the rope.

One particular tourist got in, and as the basket slowly began to rise upwards, they reached half way (about 100 metres high) and you could see for miles around. The tourist smiled at the monk and the monk smiled back. As the tourist looked up he noticed that the rope holding the basket was rather frayed and damaged. "When do you know its time to replace the rope", the tourist asked. "When it breaks." the monk replied.

DontBeAfraid

Dec 5th, 2003, 3:35 PM

too bad the only joke critical of the christian religion was wills....

This thread does nothing but make my point so far.

evilwill

Dec 5th, 2003, 6:51 PM

But wait.... there's more! :thumbs:

"When did I realize I was God? Well I was praying, and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."

"A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"God created man in his image. Being a gentleman, man did the same to God."

"Love me, or BURN FOREVER. But you get a choice in the matter. Cool, eh? (God)"

"If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church."

AngelTV

Dec 5th, 2003, 8:02 PM

A man is on top of his roof as the flood waters around him rises. A rescuer comes in a boat and offers the man salvation. "No I will be fine. God will save me"
A helicopter comes and lowers a rope ladder to which the man replies "No My God will save me."
Eventually, the waters raise above the house and the man dies drowning. In front of God the man ask " Why God did you not save me?"
God replies " What do you mean? I sent a boat and a helicopter":rollin: :rollin:

evilwill

Dec 6th, 2003, 9:31 AM

:sardonic:

Very funny.....

Bigsky770

Dec 6th, 2003, 12:57 PM

> Dear God,
>
> Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
> another?
>
>
> Dear God,
>
> When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same
> old story?
>
>
> Dear God,
>
> Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
> the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog?
> How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice
> ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the
> 'Chrysler Beagle! '?
>
>
> Dear God,
>
> If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is
> he still a bad dog?
>
>
> Dear God,
>
> We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
> whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic
> energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
>
>
> Dear God,
>
> More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
>
>
> Dear God,
>
> When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
>
>
> Dear God,
>
> Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
>
> Dear God,
>
> Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to
> be a good dog:
>
> - I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they
> throw it up.
>
> - I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I
> like the way they smell.
>
> - I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although
> they are tasty, they are not food.
>
> - The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
>
> - The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
>
> - The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
>
> - My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
>
> - I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's
> driver's license and registration.
>
> - I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the
> toilet.
>
> - Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of
> saying 'hello.'
>
> - I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under
> the coffee table.
>
> - I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
>
> - I will not throw up in the car.
>
> - I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across
> the carpet.
>
> - I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch
> when company is over.
>
> - The cat is not a squeaky toy; So when I play with him and he makes
> that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
>
>
>
> Dear God:
>
> May I have my testicles back?
>
>
>
:Llol: Joe (Bigsky770)

steven marshall

Dec 6th, 2003, 3:21 PM

There was a vicar who lived at the top of a hill. Every day he would cycle down the hill to the village. The local policeman caught on to this and realised that he was travelling rather fast down that hill. The speed limit was 30 mph.

For a few consequetive days the policeman hid at the bottom of the hill with a speed gun in an attempt to catch the vicar "red handed". The first day it was 28mph, the second it was 29mph, 29.5mph and so on. Eventually the policeman lost his rag and one morning jumped out at the vicar and shouted "do you realise I've been trying to catch you speeding all week. I know you are speeding but can't prove it. How can you be so close to the limit yet not go over it?". "Ah" said the vicar, "The Lord rides with me".
Immediately the policeman handcuffed him and proclaimed "That's it, I've got you, two on a bike!"

LC Jeffries

Dec 6th, 2003, 10:33 PM

Hi Everyone,

My Mother-In-Law was telling us a story on how she had the chance along with her sister, to meet Col. Sanders of KFC fame.

They where in an Airport in Louisville Kentucky when they ran into Col. Sanders all dressed in his signature white suit.

He looked dashing and quite handsome to the girls. They got the opportunity to speak to him.

My Mother-In-Laws sister was so excited about the chance meeting and grew very nervous as they listened to him speak.

My Great Aunt then finally developed the courage to speak to the Col. and she the first thing that came out of her mouth, was....

'Oh, I'm so excited about the opportunity to meet you, Sir, I just want to let you know, I just love your Hamburgers.'

:D :rollin: :happy: :o

LC Jeffries

Dec 6th, 2003, 10:41 PM

Some Things Never Change . . .

God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him.

And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him.

Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave," and Adam said, "what's a cave?" and God explained that to him.

"In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a woman?" So God explained that to him, and said,"I want you to reproduce." And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.

God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?

:rollin: :rollin: :rollin: :rollin:

evilwill

Dec 6th, 2003, 10:53 PM

:rollin:

AngelTV

Dec 7th, 2003, 7:54 PM

Lesson One of the Bible
God created the Universe
Lesson Two
Don't trust women

Sorry to the female viewers.
I didn't write the Bible:lol: :lol:

evilwill

Dec 8th, 2003, 1:59 AM

I like this quote.

"One is not 'converted' to Christianity, one must first be sick enough for it."
~Fredrick Nietzsche~

Bigsky770

Dec 8th, 2003, 2:10 AM

God; "Nietzshe WHO"? :Pyth:

Joe (Bigsky770)

mickydoolittle

Jan 2nd, 2004, 12:43 AM

Christians are slow on the draw in this case--they ARE the humor.

Bigsky770

Jan 3rd, 2004, 11:48 AM

THE CHRISTMAS GIFTS
>
> Four brothers, who were successful doctors and lawyers and very wealthy,
> were celebrating Christmas together with their families in New York.
> During dinner, they discussed the expensive Christmas gifts they were able
> to buy for their elderly mother who lived in Arizona.
>
> The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
>
> The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the
> house."
>
> The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
>
> The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible but doesn't
> read it anymore because she can't see very well? I met a priest who told
> me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty
> priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a
> year to the church for twenty years -- but it was worth it. Mama just has
> to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
>
> The other brothers were impressed.
>
> After the holidays, Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
>
> She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one
> room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
>
> "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound that could
> hold 50 people. But all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and
> I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
> same."
>
> "Marvin, I am too old to drive. I stay home and have my groceries
> delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
>
> "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a
> little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
>

:sardonic: Joe (Bigsky770)

LC Jeffries

Jan 4th, 2004, 12:06 PM

Originally posted by mickydoolittle
Christians are slow on the draw in this case--they ARE the humor.

You just can't resist insulting Christians can you? :confused:

mickydoolittle

Jan 4th, 2004, 3:58 PM

Oh come now LC. Are they to be given further protectionist rights? You've seen the posts and read the same remarks as I have. You deal with them regularly and I had to deal with them for 7 days a week for 7 years, then 6 days a week for the next 8 yrs. I still come into contact with them, but not as often as previously encounterd. I'm never disappointed in the fun they provide.

Re-read the posts of prophet of the north...alan...steven marshall...sherry...data...reacher from the teacher. You'll be laughing along with the rest of us.

BTW--how was TN?

LC Jeffries

May 4th, 2004, 6:26 PM

That is a funny one Joe, but it was already posted at the beginning of the thread. I still love it though. :grin :bearhug:

Lori

Bigsky770

May 4th, 2004, 9:04 PM

(sorry sorry sorry. . . heh. . . ) :D kinda funny, actually. :Llol:We must have about the same sense of humour. . . .(hugs back!) thanks for pointing that out, I deleted. . . . :bearhug:

Joe (Bigsky770)

Bigsky770

Jun 22nd, 2004, 5:37 PM

ONCE UPON A TIME, GOD WAS MISSING FOR SIX DAYS.
EVENTUALLY, ARCHANGEL MICHAEL, FOUND HIM RESTING ON THE 7TH DAY.

HE INQUIRED OF GOD, "WHERE HAVE U BEEN"? GOD SIGHED A DEEP SIGH OF
SATISFACTION, AND PROUDLY POINTED DOWNWARDS THROUGH THE CLOUDS,
"LOOK MICHAEL, LOOK WHAT I'VE MADE"!

ARCHANGEL MICHAEL LOOKED PUZZLED AND SAID, "WHAT IS IT"?

"IT'S A PLANET", REPLIED GOD. "AND I'VE PUT LIFE ON IT. I'M GOING TO CALL IT
EARTH AND IT'S GOING TO BE A GREAT PLACE OF BALANCE".

"BALANCE" INQUIRED MICHAEL, STILL CONFUSED.

GOD EXPLAINED, POINTING TO DIFFERENT PATHS OF EARTH.

"FOR EXAMPLE, NORTHERN EUROPE WILL BE A PLACE OF GREAT OPPORTUNITY
AND WEALTH, WHILE SOUTHERN EUROPE IS GOING TO BE POOR".

"OVER THERE I'VE PLACED A CONTINENT OF WHITE PEOPLE, AND OVER THERE IS
A CONTINENT OF BLACK PEOPLE".

"BALANCE IN ALL THINGS", GOD CONTINUED, POINTING TO DIFFERENT COUNTRIES.

"THIS ONE WILL BE EXTREMELY HOT, WHILE THIS ONE WILL BE VERY COLD AND
COVERED IN ICE"

.THE ARCHANGEL, IMPRESSED BY GOD'S WORK, THEN POINTED TO A LAND MASS
AND SAID, "WHAT'S THAT ONE"?

"AH" GOD SAID, "THAT'S WASHINGTON STATE, THE MOST GLORIOUS PLACE ON
EARTH !! THERE ARE BEAUTIFUL STREAMS, HILLS AND FORESTS. THE PEOPLE
FROM WASHINGTON STATE ARE GOING TO BE HANDSOME, MODEST,
INTELLIGENT AND HUMOROUS. AND THEY WILL BE EXTREMELY SOCIALBLE, HARD-
WORKING AND HIGH- ACHIEVING AND THEY WILL BE KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE
WORLD-AS DIPLOMATS AND CARRIERS OF PEACE".

MICHAEL GASPED IN WONDER AND ADMIRATION!!! BUT THEN PROCLAIMED, "WHAT
ABOUT BALANCE GOD? YOU SAID THERE WOULD BE BALANCE".

GOD SMILED AND SAID, "WAIT TIL YOU SEE THE IDIOTS I PUT IN THE OTHER
WASHINGTON"!!!!!

(Here’s another good one!)

Alabama Supreme Court

Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a
good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the
Alabama Supreme Court building.

You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of
lawyers, judges and politicians.

It creates a hostile work environment. :rolling: :lol:

- - -Submitted by Joe (Bigsky770)

Moishe3rd

Jun 22nd, 2004, 7:39 PM

Young folk, old folk, everybody come.
Come to the Sunday School and have alotta fun.
Please check your chewing gum and razors at the door.
And you'll hear a lot of stories that you never heard before.

The world was made in six days and finished on the seventh
But according to the contract, it should have been the eleventh
But the painters wouldn't paint and the workers wouldn't work
So, the quickest thing to do was to fill the thing with dirt.

Adam was a farmer and Eve she was his spouse
They got the sack for stealin' fruit and went to keepin' house.
Now everything was quiet and was peaceful in the main.
Until they had a baby and they started raising Cain.

G-d made Satan; Satan made sin
G-d made a hot place to put Satan in.
Satan didn't like it and he said he wouldn't stay.
He's been such a little devil ever since that day.

Daniel was a prophet who wouldn't obey the king
The king said to him: this is a naughty thing.
He put him in a lion's den with lion's down beneath.
But, Daniel was an artist and he drew the lion's teeth.

Samson was a strong man, strongest in the land.
He could do anything anyone can.
He leaned against the pillars and down they fell.
And all the people ran like....

Young folk, old folk, everybody come.
Come to the Sunday School and have alotta fun.
Please check your chewing gum and razors at the door.
And you'll hear a lot of stories that you never heard before.

"Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?"
The man said "The woman that You gave to be with me, she gave me the fruit and I ate it."
Then the Lord said to the woman, "What is this that you have done?"
The woman said "The serpent that You created tricked me and I ate it..."
----Genesis 3: 11-13 :crazy:
It's never, ever my fault. It's always Your fault.. :rolling:

DontBeAfraid

Jun 22nd, 2004, 8:52 PM

That was not funny..... only a christian could find that amusing.

evilwill

Jun 22nd, 2004, 10:04 PM

I don't think even a christian would find it that amusing.

dutchie

Jul 6th, 2004, 9:33 AM

Jesus hangs on the cross and cries out: "Peter, Peter, quick, come here!!" Peter immediately draws his sword and fights his way through some 30 roman soldiers standing around, limbs and blood flying all around...

Reaching the peak of Golgotha and the foot of the cross, Peter stands there, panting for breath: "Lord, what is your wish?". Jesus nods his head towards the west crying with excitement: "Peter! I can see yer house from up here...."

:angel:

MacRasta

Jul 7th, 2004, 9:07 AM

:grin heheheheheeeeehehe..

Mac

Defiant Noquisi

Jul 7th, 2004, 9:50 PM

Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

"How did you guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yes; I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via
e-mail?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are
important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of
course, you would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't
save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir; I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I
forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses
'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and
recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one
or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming
him?"

"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff,
and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he
might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I
lost those ten 'things', do you?"

"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to
those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading
them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who
knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the

way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,'
because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you
want to."

"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse.
After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working.
Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou
shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone
tablets."

Defiant Noquisi

Jul 7th, 2004, 9:52 PM

LAWNS & GOD

GOD: St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature.
What in the world is going on down there in the USA? What
happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I
started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden
plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand
drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honeybees and
flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of
colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers weeds and
went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with
grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It
doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and
sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these
Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to
grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by
fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops
up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass
grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a
little, they cut it, sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly Lord. Most of them rake it up
and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell
it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, sir -- just the opposite. They pay to
throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass
so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off
and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer
when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That
surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord.
When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out
hoses and pay more money to water it so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the
trees. That was a sheer stoke of genius, if I do say
so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring
to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the
autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural
blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect
the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves
form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural
circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You'd better sit down, Lord. The
Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the
leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay
to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and
tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist
and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go
out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul
it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to
make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.
St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie
have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid
movie about ...

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story
from St. Francis.

Defiant Noquisi

Jul 7th, 2004, 9:54 PM

Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet," was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner lit a match under Chets left foot and Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!.. "

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.

When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came "Silent Night. Holy Night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life):

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire ..."

Defiant Noquisi

Jul 7th, 2004, 9:56 PM

Viagra on a daily basis

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks."Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all------nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet........and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Defiant Noquisi

Jul 7th, 2004, 10:00 PM

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale it's real. This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop.

The guy without thinking about it got in the car closes the door just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve. It was as if the hand of God was saving him from certain death.

The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the amazing experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it.

Strife

Jul 7th, 2004, 10:24 PM

DontBeAfraid

Jul 8th, 2004, 4:57 AM

LOL, great DN..... thanks

Defiant Noquisi

Jul 8th, 2004, 8:09 AM

LOL, great DN..... thanks I noticed you took a particular liking to that last one. Its a favorite of mine. Youre welcome. :grin

dutchie

Jul 8th, 2004, 8:22 AM

A man lived his life according to scriptures and dies. He - obviously - enters heaven and is shown around by St. Peter. They walk through a long corridor where the walls are completely covered with clocks. The man gets curious and asks Peter about the clocks. "Those are the clocks of honesty, my friend.", Peter says. "Every time somebody on earth tells a lie, his clock ticks on more second away towards his doom...".

The man is of course amazed by this, and - not being able to contain his curiosity - asks to see the clock of George W. Bush. "Oh, but that one is not here..", St. Peter replies. "It's in God's bathroom: he uses it as a hairdryer.." :Blbl: :Bdevil:

Strife

Jul 8th, 2004, 12:18 PM

I am a believer of that one dutchie!

Zyztem

Jul 10th, 2004, 8:07 PM

Got an e-mail about kids saying the damndest things...

1) An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

2) It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Zyztem

Jul 19th, 2004, 10:14 PM

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Teacher fainted.

Bigsky770

Jul 27th, 2004, 8:42 PM

New Lingo for an Old Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his
parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the
pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to
adultery, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say instead that they had
"fallen."

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well
until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor
of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town.
When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me
they've fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the
new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain,
the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I
don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has
already fallen three times this week!"

- - -Submitted by Joe (Bigsky770)

Zyztem

Jul 27th, 2004, 8:58 PM

Rotflmfao!

Zyztem

Jul 27th, 2004, 9:27 PM

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

LC Jeffries

Jul 27th, 2004, 11:03 PM

:rolling: :rolling:
Good ones you all. Good ones.

Defiant Noquisi

Jul 27th, 2004, 11:17 PM

Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"

"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.

"Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asks the Lord.

"Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

Defiant Noquisi

Jul 27th, 2004, 11:23 PM

One sunny day a Catholic, Baptist and Methodist were going fishing. Right after they left, the Catholic realized that he had left his supplies on the shore. He got out of the boat, walked on the water, got his supplies on the shore, and walked back on the water and got back into the boat.

Then the Baptist realized that they did not have enough bait. he got out of the boat, walked on the water, bought a pack of bait, and walked back on the water and got back into the boat.

Then the Methodist realized that his watch was not working, and he wanted to buy a new one. He took it off, got out of the boat, but sunk all the way down to the bottom of the ocean.

Then, the Catholic and the Baptist looked at each other and said, "Oops, I guess we should have told him where the rocks are!"

RavenWhitefang

Jul 28th, 2004, 12:04 AM

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A TECHNO-PAGAN:

You call your corners on a cellular phone
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa
You use a remote control in place of an athame
You download your book of shadows
You cast your circle in a chat room
Your familiar is a mouse
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad
Your cauldron is a crock-pot
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del

TOP TEN REASONS WHY WITCHES DON'T WORSHIP SATAN

10- Scorch marks on the furniture whenever Satan manifests.
9- Not even Lysol can mask the smell of brimstone.
8- Hard to keep flaming goat's skulls lit.
7- Decreased availability of blonde virgins.
6- Blood stains from the sacrifices are *impossible* to get out of the carpet.
5- Wailing of the damned souls in hell keeps the neighbors awake.
4- The cats keep attacking Satan's tail, which annoys him.
3- Repeated stooping motions for administering the Kiss of Shame (is difficult on the older coven members).
2- Demons smell even worse than brimstone
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY WITCHES DON'T WORSHIP SATAN........
1- Impossible to worship something that doesn't exist!!

*What do ya' call 13 Witches in a hot tub? A Self-Cleaning Coven

*What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey? The Blessed Bee!

*What's another name for a solitary Wiccan? Craft single.

*What do you say to an angry witch? Ribbit

*How do you tell a NewAge witch from a NeoPagan Witch? You throw them both in the water. The NeoPagan Witch will float, whereas the NewAge Witch will sink under the weight of all their (overpriced) crystals....

*How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb? Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!

*How many Gardnerian witches does it take to change a light bulb? It's a third degree secret.

*How many Alexandrian witches does it take to change a light bulb? "Lets go see how the Gardnerians do it!"

*How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb? (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)

*How many years does it take for a solitary witch to change a light bulb? How long does it take to get one out of the closet?

*-The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on his fiery steed Pegasus. He raised his hammer and bellowed, "I'M THOR! I'M THOR!" Pegasus looked up at him and muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle, thilly."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE MOST TOYS..........

* Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
* Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
* Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
* Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
* Anglican - They were our toys first.
* Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
* Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
* Atheism - There is no toy maker.
* Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
* Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
* Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
* Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys, and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch you selling yours.
* Baha'i - All toys are just fine with us.
* Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
* Taoism - The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
* Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
* Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
* Hedonsim - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
* 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
* Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, loses.
* Baptist - Once played always played.
* Jehovah's Witnesses - He who "places" the most toys door-to-door, wins.
* Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
* Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
* Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
* Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play.

Morning Ritual

Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness.

Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:

"LATTE"

Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:

"MOCHA"

Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:

"CAPPUCHINO"

Bring it across to your right shoulder:

"FRAPPUCHINO"

Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:

"ARABICA, OH MAN!"

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:

"BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON"

"BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ"

"AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B"

"AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS"

"FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA"

"WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH"

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like

Defiant Noquisi

Jul 28th, 2004, 12:11 AM

ROTFLMAO!!! :rolling:

evilwill

Jul 28th, 2004, 2:09 AM

Funny stuff... :rolling:

dcookcan

Jul 28th, 2004, 2:31 PM

A highly skilled engineer died and by mistake ended up in hell.

After a time, God noticed that the screams from hell were not nearly as frequent of late, so he inquired with the devil as to what was going on. When he arrived he noticed that the atmosphere was rather pleasant. When the devil saw God, he immediately ran over to him. "Hey God, thanks for sending me that engineer, we now have air conditioning, running water and flush toilets!"

God was shocked, "This was a mistake, that engineer was not supposed to be sent here. You're going to have to send him back."

Devil, "No can do God, I like him and I'm keeping him."

God, "I demand that you return him or I'll have to sue."

Devil, "Where are you going to find a lawyer."

:grin

mickydoolittle

Sep 30th, 2004, 7:35 AM

Yeah, I really have no idea about this incident (http://www.guardian.co.uk/religion/Story/0,2763,1314466,00.html)...anyone care to offer a perspective....?

LC Jeffries

Sep 30th, 2004, 7:48 AM

With Christians like that, who needs Satan? :po:

dutchie

Sep 30th, 2004, 7:50 AM

You mean WHY orthodoxes and Fransiscans would beat up eachother?!?

Simple. Someone left the churchdoor open. That's why. Makes sense, dunnit?!? :Llol:

LC Jeffries

Sep 30th, 2004, 7:50 AM

An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was >properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
:toast:

Dr. X

Sep 30th, 2004, 8:00 AM

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head.

Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.
Heresponded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community were gathered around Rabbi Moishe.

"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe, "First he said to me that we had threedays to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, we're staying right here."

"And then what," asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine"

dutchie

Sep 30th, 2004, 8:11 AM

LC Jeffries

Oct 15th, 2004, 5:04 AM

Things that make you think Hmm Where's the time gone?

1974: Long hair

2004: Longing for hair

1974: KEG

2004: EKG

1974: Acid rock

2004: Acid reflux

1974: Moving to California because it's cool

2004: Moving to California because it's warm

1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon
Brando or Liz Taylor

1974: Seeds and stems

2004: Roughage

1974: Hoping for a BMW

2004: Hoping for a BM

1974: The Grateful Dead

2004: Dr. Kevorkian

1974: Going to a new, hip joint

2004: Receiving a new hip joint

1974: Rolling Stones

2004: Kidney Stones

1974: Being called into the principal's office

2004: Calling the principal's office

1974: Screw the system

2004: Upgrade the system

1974: Disco

2004: Costco

1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1974: Passing the drivers' test

2004: Passing the vision test

1974: Whatever

2004: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight
Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the
microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam
containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a
typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies out there. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading. :bubble: :nibble:

RavenWhitefang

Oct 15th, 2004, 2:38 PM

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

now a lil bit of Pagan humor

Bumper stickers and other one-liners

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

God, protect me from your followers!

SAINT: a dead liberal worshipped by living conservatives.

***ERROR #666 HARD DRIVE POSESSED! Load EXOR.SYS (Y/N)***

Faith is a powerful thing. It often shuts off the rational mind

My other car is a broom

Witches do it in circles

Druids do it in Stone Circles

(Nativity Scene) IT'S A GIRL!

Every day's a holiday when you're pagan!

My God's Is Always Horny

Have you confused a Christian today?

Halloween, a pagan holiday perpetuated by the American Dental Association

40oz

Oct 15th, 2004, 9:48 PM

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.

When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

Red Shift

Oct 16th, 2004, 8:39 AM

"That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

Bahahahaha :rolling:

i like that one :2thumbs:

LC Jeffries

Oct 17th, 2004, 10:01 AM

Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

:crazy: :rolling: ::)):

dutchie

Oct 18th, 2004, 8:52 AM

...:Llol: Those were actually very funny Lori!!!

LC Jeffries

Oct 18th, 2004, 1:20 PM

...:Llol: Those were actually very funny Lori!!!

I know, I just love church bulletin, bloopers. I have a whole calender of them on my desk. They do leave you rolling.

:prin:
Lori

LC Jeffries

Oct 20th, 2004, 9:57 PM

Heard at the Condo in Florida:

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse, when Johnson lost $500 on a single hand! He clutched his chest and dropped dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up.

Finkelstein looked around and asked, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?" They drew straws and Miller picked the short one. They told him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me!"

Miller went over to the Johnson’s condo, and knocked on the door. The wife answered and asked what he wanted. Miller declared: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker, and is afraid to come home."

Tell him to drop dead!" said the wife.

:crazy:

Bigsky770

Oct 25th, 2004, 11:36 PM

THIS is so outrageously funny. . .STILL LMAO!!! ::)):

http://funnyjunk.com/movies/35/Farting+in+church/stream

SERIOUSLY! (A "MUST SEE!!") :lol:

Joe (Bigsky770) :vbroll:

Bigsky770

Nov 17th, 2004, 8:31 AM

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
>The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
>So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
>At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
>He proceeded to talk up a storm.
>Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
>1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
>2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
>8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
>10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
>11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" ...
>12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
>13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
>14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

. . .Still laughing! :rolling:

- - -Submitted by Joe (Bigsky770) :vbroll:

dutchie

Nov 29th, 2004, 7:12 AM

http://compilers.cs.ucla.edu/~kchang/pictures/funny/religion/naughtsandcrosses.jpg

dutchie

Nov 29th, 2004, 7:14 AM

on the edge too...
http://compilers.cs.ucla.edu/~kchang/pictures/funny/religion/crucifixion.jpg

LC Jeffries

Dec 8th, 2004, 9:23 PM

Joe those are funny. Hi Dutchie, Everyone, I'm back and I'm bad. Sorry, I've been gone so long. I had accident last month and am recovering from some pretty bad injuries. Joe knows what's been going on. I'll tell you more about it later. I'm only briefly stopping in. I'll try to check in a little more often. Hope your doing OK.

Lori :prin:

dutchie

Dec 9th, 2004, 5:50 AM

RavenWhitefang

Dec 11th, 2004, 3:39 AM

In light of my beautiful post count I thought I'd provide you all with a bit of Beastly Humor :evlol:

6.66% - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell National Bank
666th Airborne - 666th Beast Airborne Unit
666th BSF - 666th Beast Special Forces
6 -Acronym of The Beast
667- Across the street from The Beast
666 Whitehall - Address of British Prime Minister Beast
666 Pennsylvania Ave- Address of US President Beast
B666-6- Aldrich Catalog number of The Beast
1.738E+289 -Anti-log of The Beast
670 -Approximate number of The Beast
1-666 -Area code of The Beast
/666 - Beast Common Denominator
6-6-6 - Beast hits slots jackpot!
38-24-36 666 -Beauty and The Beast
666 pack - Beer of The Beast
Windows 666 -Bill Gates' personal Beast
1010011010 - Binary number of The Beast
666i - BMW of The Beast, or Imaginary number of The Beast
Channel 666 - Cable TV of The Beast
1666 cm-1 -Carbonyl stretch of The Beast
EMI666 -CD catalog number of Soundtrack of The Beast
[666-66-6] -Chem Abstracts number of The Beast
66o -Circumcision of The Beast
HEL-666- College course number of The Beast
0.58778525 -Cos of The Beast
Vick's Formula 666 - Cough syrup of The Beast
295408296- Cube of The Beast
DIN 666 -Deutsche Industrie Norm für Biesten
666'.00666--be66 - Dewey Decimal Classification of the Beast
DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of The Beast
Cummins 666 -Diesel Beast
6:06:06PM - Dinnertime of The Beast
66 and 6/100% pure - Disclaimer for Ivory Beast Soap
Club 666- Dicso nightclub of The Beast
Mazda 666 -Economy car of The Beast
vi vi vi -Editor of The Beast
C 66.60 H 6.66 N 6.66 - Elemental analysis of The Beast
Beast@666.com - Email of Beast
666 J - Energy of The Beast
333 -The Semi-Christ
ISO-666 -European Quality Standard of The Beast
666-666 -Eyesight of Beast
666! -Factorial of The Beast
Flight 666 -First class booked reservation of The Beast
C666 - Fullerene of The Beast
Phillips 666 - Gasoline of The Beast
29A - Hexadecimal number of The Beast
Seagrams and 666 - Highball of The Beast
Sick Sick Sick -Humor of The Beast
i66686 -Intel CPU of The Beast
i66686 -Intel Pentium number of The Beast
6.6.6 - IP address of The Beast
0.666 Welscher - IQ of the American Beast
666 Binet- IQ of The Beast
666 Cattel -IQ of the British Beast
666 cm-1 -IR of The Beast
Boeing 666 -Jet of The Beast
BE666.a66st6 -Library of Congress number "Book of Beast"
p666 - Literature reference of The Beast
JACS 66(6), p666 - Literature reference of The Beast
1-900-666-0666- Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
6.50129 -Ln Beast
Motel 666 -Lodging of The Beast
1 - Log Beast Base Beast
2.823474 -Log10 of The Beast
Lexus 666- Luxury sedan of The Beast
System 6.66 - Mac OS of The Beast
68666 - Macintosh CPU of The Beast
$666.00 -Minimum deposit of The Beast.
ddd - Mirror image of The Beast
55.5 - Monthly cost of The Beast in twelve easy equal monthly installments
6:06:06AM - Morning call of The Beast
680666 -Motorola CPU of The Beast
66/6 - Music beat of The Beast
669 - Mutual Oral Sex of The Beast
664 & 668 - Neighbors of The Beast
$656.66 -Wal-Mart price of The Beast
$646.66 -Next week's Wal-Mart price of The Beast
6.66 ppm- NMR peak of The Beast (a triplet of sextets; j=6.66Hz)
606 - Not Found Error of The Beast
666 999 -Number of The Beast with a two-fold axis
6, uh... what was that number again?- Number of the Blonde Beast
66F- Number of The Breast
666.00000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
6 and whatever -Number of The Hippie Beats
sex-sex-sex - Number of The Horny Beast
0.666 -Number of the MilliBeast
6*6^6~ - Number of the Professional Wrestling Beast
666 Sunset Strip - Old T. V. series about The Beast soon on Nick-At-Nite
1-666 -One less Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
Chanel No. 666 - Perfume of The Beast
666 W -Power of The Beast
$699.25 -Price of The Beast plus 5% state sales tax
$769.95 -Price of The Beast with all accessories and replacement soul
1,2,3,37 -Prime factors of The Beast
666 MHz -Radio Beast
0.005015 -Reciprocal of The Beast.
666 mg -Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Heinz 666 -Relish of The Beast
$665.95 -Retail price of The Beast
666k - Retirement plan of The Beast
DCLXVI -Roman numeral of The Beast
6.66E02 -Scientific number of The Beast
666EEE -Shoe size of Beast
-0.80901699 - Sin of The Beast
666-66-6666 -Social Security Number of the Beast
666-UP -Soft drink of The Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of The Beast
443556 -Square of The Beast
666 666 -Stereo picture of the number of The Beast
666666666666 -Stutter of The Beast
-1.37638192- Tan of The Beast
666-EZ -Tax form of The Beast
666P - TCP/IP protocol of The Beast
666A - Tenant of The Beast
Wilde666 -The African savannah wildeBeast
999 - The Australian Beast
2x4x666 -The lumber of The Beast
666 VAC/DC - This Beast is bi
^666 - To The Beast power
Car 666 -Tootie and Muldoon of The Beast
666 Hz -Tuning fork of The Beast
555 - Typo of The Beast
rw-rw-rw -UNIX file protection of The Beast
http://www.666.org - URL of The Beast
MIL-666 -US Quality Standard of The Beast
666DL - Volvo of The Beast
Route 666 -Way of The Beast (Highway to Hell)
666 Minutes - Weekly news program about The Beast
Word 6.66 - Word Processor of The Beast
00666 - Zip code of The Beast
00666-6666 - Zip Code+4 of The Beast

RavenWhitefang

Dec 12th, 2004, 1:08 PM

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from." Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one ould you prefer? Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Defiant Noquisi

Dec 15th, 2004, 8:43 PM

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."Ill take a Salvation Army one please.

Defiant Noquisi

Dec 18th, 2004, 6:59 PM

It was Christmas eve, and Santa was really busy making his list and checking it twice, when there came a knock at the door. His wife comes in. "Honey, where do you want me to put your boots and gloves?" Well, Santa is very busy and so he's slightly annoyed by this trivial question, so he snaps at her, "Put them by the front door, and stop bothering me. I'm trying to get some work done."

He starts back to work, but a few minutes later an elf barges in. "Santa, we got all the toys wrapped, what should we do with them?" Santa snaps, "Stick 'em in the sleigh! Can't you see I'm trying to get ready? I don't want any more interruptions!"

But sure enough, as soon as he starts back to work, there is another interruption. An angel, standing at the door, says, "Santa, I have your Christmas tree. Where would you like me to put it?"

And this is where we get the tradition of placing an angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Defiant Noquisi

Dec 18th, 2004, 7:05 PM

Priest and Mars A catholic priest was summoned to the Vatican for a three week meeting. Unfortunately, the only substitute available was a young priest with no experience whatsoever.

"I feel up to the challange Father", he said, "but I am not sure about how to run the confessional. What form of pennance do I prescribe for the various sins I will be confronted with?"

The experienced priest left him a list coordinating sins and pennance, and reassuring the young man, he left for Rome.

The young priest's first confessional was soon upon him, and he was quite nervous as he stepped into his booth clutching the list his predecessor left him.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have had impure thoughts about a woman I work with." came the first voice.

Nervously the young priest checked his list:

Impure thoughts: see also Aldulterous thoughts Disrespective thoughts Murderous thoughts

He then referred to adulterous thoughts and found that 4 hail Marys were appropriate. Relieved, he prescribed the pennance and waited.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.", said the next person, "I took $50.00 from my employers desk!"

The young priest looked to his list again, and immediately found:

Stealing:

< $10.00 10 hail Marys < $100.00 20 hail Marys < $1000.00 50 hail Marys $1000.00 80 hail Marys and five rosary prayers

After assigning the appropriate pennance, the young priest calmed down and felt confident in his list to provide him with the appropriate answer. He waited a while until his next confessor arrived.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.", said the next person, "I had anal intercourse with another man!"

The young priest again consulted his list. To his dismay, anal sex was not listed. He checked rectal intercourse - nothing. Homosexual experience also showed nothing. He couldn't even find it under bottom, arse, everything he looked for was somehow absent from his list.

Finally, he grabbed a choir boy, who just happened to be walking by. He asked quite hurriedly, as he knew the confessor was waiting.

"What does the priest give for anal?"

"Oh, sometimes a Mars, sometimes a Snickers.!

Defiant Noquisi

Dec 18th, 2004, 7:08 PM

Nun Humor These two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who's there?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobies," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

Defiant Noquisi

Dec 18th, 2004, 7:10 PM

A Good Guess

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.

St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"

1st nun : "Adam and Eve"

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?" 2nd nun : "An apple" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"

After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that''s a hard one!" The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!

RavenWhitefang

Jan 3rd, 2005, 5:10 PM

whilst perusing the Online Catholic Encyclopedia (http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/) I came across this hilarious ad.

http://img54.exs.cx/img54/5827/priest4dv.gif

Anyone up for purchasing their own Catholic Priest? :rolling: :Llol:

Bigsky770

Jan 3rd, 2005, 5:34 PM

OMIGOD!..... ::)): NOW I can say I've seen it all!

Fer Fuq's sake....Where's "Micky" when yah NEED HIM? (He'd bustagut over THIS one!) :Llol:

Anything goes on E-Bay!.....
Joe (Bigsky770) :vbroll:

RavenWhitefang

Jan 3rd, 2005, 5:53 PM

Oh Yeah, over the course of surfing that site, i noticed even more for sale...

Bishop Sheen
Bishop Sheen for sale. aff Check out the deals now!
www.eBay.com

Catholic Monk
Great deals on new and used items. Search for catholic monk now! -aff
www.eBay.com

Old Catholic Church
Discount new & used items. affil Search for old catholic church now!
www.eBay.com

Roman Catholic Saints
Find great deals searching eBay for roman catholic saints! affil
www.eBay.com

Seraphim Angels
Compare prices on Seraphim Angels Search over 200,000 stores!
Yahoo.com

ill take a few of those Seraphim please :D

Bigsky770

Jan 3rd, 2005, 7:12 PM

. . .Too Cool! Is it a really *old* one??? We oughta pitch-in and buy it! All that "Gothic architecture" is just SO GREAT!:D

Joe (Bigsky770) :vbroll:

Bigsky770

Jan 3rd, 2005, 7:24 PM

. . .Checked-out E-Bay, what they don't tell you in the 'ads' is that these are only postcards/PICS for sale....Oh well. . . .

Joe (Bigsky770) :crtmn:

Bigsky770

Jan 8th, 2005, 8:46 PM

The Alabama preacher rose to his feet with an angry red face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one, which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am
embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did
this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is
a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic
rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were
a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you
were a wizard under the sheets". :D

- - -Submitted by Joe (Bigsky770) :vbroll:

Ivecky

Jan 12th, 2005, 6:59 AM

LC Jeffries

Jan 12th, 2005, 8:53 PM

::)): :rolling: :lol:

A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One

morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find

her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of

the old woman. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a

chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face to face with a

ferocious lion.

"What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked.

"Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let

him get himself out of it."

dutchie

Jan 13th, 2005, 1:22 AM

Oh Oh Oh I got one I was discussing with my extended family on boxing day.

Howmany Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

None, Baptists don't like change.

It was quite funny because we are all a Baptist family. :amaz:
As a variation on that:

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
10,001

1 to stand on a table and hold up the bulb;
10,000 to lift the house and rotate it around the fitting...

Lori, where's the religious "twist" in yours? It was funny, but not very religious....

Bigsky770

Jan 13th, 2005, 3:54 AM

. . .:D heh. . . .Actually, we've been able to cut that figure down to three, that being one person on both ends of said table turning clockwise/counter clockwise as necessary to assist in the unscrewing/screwing of said light-bulb.

(besides, there's NOT THAT MUCH room in here!) perhaps 50+ max. . . :lol:

Joe (Bigsky770) :vbroll:

dutchie

Jan 13th, 2005, 4:20 AM

So.... you actually figured out how to do that all by yourself?!?

Consider yourself to belong to the top 10% of the US intelligentiae!!! :2thumbs: :wink:

LC Jeffries

Jan 13th, 2005, 10:02 PM

Lori, where's the religious "twist" in yours? It was funny, but not very religious....

Hi Dutchie,

I know it doesn't have religious twist to it, but I thought it was a great one. My sister sent it to me. I thought you all would love it as much as I did.

:prin:

dutchie

Jan 14th, 2005, 3:46 AM

FYI, for that kind of jokes we have the "More Pointless Humour" thread in the off topic section. (just doing my job, no offense intended..)

Joe, the 10,000 people to lift and turn the house were standing on the outside... (pfff, now you're sinking back to the top 17% again...) :wink:

LC Jeffries

Jan 14th, 2005, 6:41 PM

Thanks Dutchie,

No Problem. Was not aware of the thread. Hope you have a blessed weekend.
:prin:

dutchie

Jan 17th, 2005, 4:31 AM

Thnx. I did. Did pretty much absolutely nothing at all. I consider that a blessing... :smokin:

In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship, never in want.
How about the left?

BTW - I LOVE French toast...

Defiant Noquisi

Feb 4th, 2005, 4:30 AM

Lori, where's the religious "twist" in yours? It was funny, but not very religious....Not wanting to cause a ruckus but while reading Lori's joke I had this ironic picture in my mind of retribution during Rome's "entertainment" heyday when they fed Christians to the lions.

Jazman

Apr 8th, 2005, 11:29 AM

I have a couple.............

this guys walking past the empire building, when a man with long white hair and a beard, dressed a bit like osama bin laden without the head piece.
comes plumeting down the side of the building, and just before he hit's the ground he opens his arms, and waves them softly like butterfly wings and lands.
this guy say wow, that was amazing how did you do that, easy says the white haired guy you can do it to, come to the top with me and I'll show you how, so he go'es to the top and the white haired guy give him some pointers, and they both jump off together and come plumeting down, about a hundred feet from the ground, the guy starts flaping his arms, and nothing happens and he hit the ground with a splatt.
bits of body everywhere, the white haired guy just land as he did before, just then an angel appears nearby, and says god sometimes you can be a right nasty bastard.

Jesus walks into an inn carrying three nails and a hammer, and says to the innkeeper: "Hey, can you put me up for the night?"

Skygirl

Apr 16th, 2005, 1:44 PM

if these have been posted before but they sure are interesting-

http://www.jesusdressup.com/number2.html

http://www.jesusdressup.com/number3.html

http://www.jesusdressup.com/christmas.html

http://www.jesusdressup.com/chillinvillians.html

http://www.jesusdressup.com/halloween.html

http://www.jesusdressup.com/hollywood.html

http://www.jesusdressup.com/oz.html

dutchie

Apr 18th, 2005, 9:05 AM

http://www.zacharyparker.com/Angel2.jpg

Raladin

Aug 4th, 2005, 3:06 PM

Why do you always take two Southern Baptists with you when you go fishing???

If you take only one, he (or she) will drink all your beer. If you take two, neither will touch it.

~Ral

LC Jeffries

Aug 9th, 2005, 10:43 PM

Computer Battle

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally, God said,

"Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mail.

They sent out e-mail with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."

Defiant Noquisi

Aug 10th, 2005, 7:47 PM

Bahahaha!!! Thats a good one Lori! How ya doin?

LC Jeffries

Aug 10th, 2005, 10:19 PM

Thank You Very Much! Starting to feel a little more human. Our life though is about to make a big change. We may be moving to Rio Rancho, New Mexico, my second home. { UFO Central.} My parents and sister are there. Maybe in the the next 8 months. We're going at Christmas to look at houses and look at the job situation.

Take care. God Bless.
Lori

LC Jeffries

Aug 14th, 2005, 5:48 PM

Holy Family in a Plane

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of Jesus' family. After collecting the drawings, she noticed that one little boy's drawing depicted an airplane with four heads sticking out of the windows. "I see you drew three heads to show Joseph, Mary and Jesus," she said to the boy. "But who does the fourth head belong to?"

The boy replied, "That's Pontius the pilot."

::)): :rolling: :Llol:

Sammy56

Aug 14th, 2005, 9:46 PM

Some of my favorites-

A priest and a pastor were standing by the side of the road with a sign reading, "THE END IS NEAR! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" a driver yelled, not even slowing down for the sharp turn in the road.
From around the curve, the two men of God heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say, "Bridge Out"?

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded. "This may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

A man was walking along a lonely clifftop path by the ocean, when he slipped and fell over the edge. Luckily he managed to grab hold of a small bush a few metres down the cliff. Hanging there, he saw that the cliff was far too sheer for him to climb up, and far below him huge waves were crashing onto jagged rocks.
He called upwards "Help! Is there anybody there?"
A deep booming voice replied "Yes, this is God speaking. Have faith, let go of the bush, and all will be well."
Then there was a long pause, and finally came another cry from the man "Is there anybody else there?"

An Israeli businessman, not very religious to say the least, has a very important appointment he can't afford to miss - his life depends on it. Problem is, at this hour of the day day in Tel Aviv, there is no way you can park. Seeing himself becoming poor an left alone, he speaks to G-d for the first time of his life : "Listen, I know I haven't been a good Jew up to now, but I swear if you find me a parking place I'll do everything : shabbat, kashrut, beard and all. Please !" Just then, at the next turn, unbelievable ! You could park a Boeing in that place. The man, turning again to G-d : "Never mind, I found it."

Defiant Noquisi

Aug 17th, 2005, 11:10 PM

Our life though is about to make a big change. We may be moving to Rio Rancho, New Mexico, my second home. { UFO Central.} My parents and sister are there. Maybe in the the next 8 months. We're going at Christmas to look at houses and look at the job situation. WOW! Good luck with all that! If you had been any closer to Las Cruces my brother could fill you in. Were hoping to have a reunion of some kind next year down that way.

Beatnik Bob

Aug 27th, 2005, 10:26 PM

There was a time when everyone believed in god and the church ruled. This time was called the dark ages.
Actually it wasnt the dark ages for the Jews. It was actually their Golden Age.

And i thought it was interesting when you implied that were our own G-d. Because in Judaism, we believe that All humankind are "shards" of G-d. We all have a piece of G-d in us(thats what our spirit is). G-d used his own essence to create humanity, and the world. Yes, we recognize that the whole planet is a shard of G-d but we worship God, not the planet, or even humans for that matter. So Jesus is not thought of as being G-d. Because All mankind is the son of G-d. Nice post though. Someone needs to let Christianity know how messed up they are :D .

Philosopher Foelhe

Aug 27th, 2005, 11:17 PM

Cool it, Bob. I know you think poorly of the Christian religion, but doing nothing but responding to other threads about how Christians are all idol-worshippers is bordering on spam. We've already got two threads going to discuss the issue.

Techiemom

Sep 4th, 2005, 1:32 AM

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank but he didnt have a bucket or can. One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use it. He said yes and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by. The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: "Sisters, I dont think it will work, but you sure have faith!"

:crazy:

Sammy56

Sep 4th, 2005, 1:43 AM

Just found this site. Haven't had a chance to go through them all, but the ones I have read have kept me laughing for quite some time.

Over Three Hundred Proofs of God’s Existence (http://www.godlessgeeks.com/LINKS/GodProof.htm)

nrj

Sep 8th, 2005, 4:31 AM

Oh, man SammY! Those were hilarious! I specially liked the one:

ARGUMENT FROM ABSURDITY
(1) Maranathra!
(2) Therefore, God exists.

:Llol:

Eogz

Oct 5th, 2005, 4:44 AM

Here's a few, sorry if youv'e heard them before...

1. How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

CHANGE! CHANGE THE HOLY ROMAN CHURCH NEVER!

2. Men beware....

In the bible it clearly says that men should make the coffee or tea.
If you are a devout christian start the kettle now and get going.
Where does it say this you may ask?

HEBREWS! (Most of UK will get this one).

OK really sorry they are so crap..................

Beatnik Bob

Jan 8th, 2006, 1:54 AM

A man is injured in a wood. A rabbi finds him and takes him back to his small cottage, and nursed the man back to health. When the man is well he asks the rabbi if he can burrow his horse to go back to where he came from. The rabbi says, "Of course! Just send it back to me later, after your journey is complete." "But there are a few things you should know first," says the rabbi sternly. "The horse only follows two commands. To make the horse move say, 'Baruch HaShem' (blessed God) and to make the horse stop say, 'Amen.'" The man promises to follow the instructions and is off.
The man says, "Baruch HaShem" and the horse starts walking. He says, "Baruch HaShem, Baruch HaShem, Baruch HaShem" and the horse goes into a fast gallop, and gallops away from the rabbi's cottage. It becomes rather foggy later that day. The man notices a cliff up ahead, and his horse is galloping towards it fast. "Whoa! Stop! Cease! Pull over!" Yells the man, but the horse won't stop. Then he remembers the rabbi's words and shouts, "AMEN!" And the horse comes to a screeching halt just inches from the cliff's edge. The man breathes a sigh of relief and says, "Baruch HaShem."

Beatnik Bob

Jan 8th, 2006, 4:34 PM

A giant rain has started, it is predicted it will last forever and drown everyone in just 6 days. A Christian minister/priest comes on TV and anounces to the world,
"Everyone! Repent today! You will die and go to Hell! The judgement of the Earth is near! You will stand before God and be judged...so accept Jesus and go to heaven when you are judged in 6 days!"
A Buddhist vomes on TV and says, "You must achieve enlightenment before you die, becuase the absolute end is near, incarnation will stop and no one will progress. So please enlighten yourself before you are anded forever!
And then Jewish rabbi comes on TV and says, "Ok, you have 6 days to survive under water."

CruelGrenadier

Mar 12th, 2006, 6:10 AM

One Guy from Heaven had jorney in Hell. He saw in Hell sinners spending time very actively! Casinos , drugs and girls, Elvis . After this jorney all in Paradise looked so boring and sad!So Guy from Heaven decided to leave Paradise and went to Hell!He came there with high spirit and first demon he met sized him with hot pitchfork. Why! Becoarse tourism is one thing and permanent living another. Wonna be citizen obey the law and live like the rest! :bondage:

me+three227

Jun 10th, 2006, 10:03 PM

I got one for you it's told by my husband....
Saint Peter is standing at the gates of heaven when a man walks up. Saint Peter tells him that the rules to get into heaven have changed... you had to have a bad last day on earth to get in. The man says ok... "I'm on my 23rd story balcony doing aerobics with my wife when I slipped and fell off the balcony. Luckily I was able to grab onto the balcony below when this crazy guy started hitting my hands with a hammer. I fell 22 floors and landed in a bush. I got up to thank GOD that I'm alive when a refrigerator fell on me and I died." Saint Peter decided that was pretty bad and let him in...
Shortly after, another man walked up... Saint Peter explained the new rules to get into heaven. The second man said "I came home early to my 22nd story condo because I thought my wife was cheating on me. I looked all over the place and was about to leave when I spotted a pair of hands hanging onto my balcony. Grabbed a hammer and started beating on his hands... he fell 22 floors and landed in a bush and survived. So I grabbed my refrigerator and threw it on him, but I got a hernia and I died." Saint Peter giggled a little bit and let him in.
Right after that a third man came walking up and Saint Peter explained the new rules. So the 3rd man said "Alright picture this... I'm in this refrigerator naked..."

Hope you enjoy this one.... :rolling:

DontBeAfraid

Jul 17th, 2006, 4:43 AM

Jesus and Moses were sitting in heaven and bored to death. So Moses suggest they go down to earth to play some golf. When they got there Jesus took the ball and placed it on the grass, and reached for a club.

Moses: Don't use that club for this distance.
Jesus: What do you know, Tiger Woods would've used this one.
So Jesus shoots and the ball goes into a lake.

Jesus: Moses, please get back the ball for me.
Moses goes to the edge of the lake, holds his staff up, parts the lake in 2 halves, walks in and gets the ball. Jesus places it again and grabs the same club.

Moses: I told you, don't use that club for this distance.
Jesus: What do you know! Tiger Woods would've used this one.
So he shoots again and the ball sinks in the lake.

Jesus: Moses, please go get the ball for me.
Moses: I'm not your servant, go get it yourself.
So Jesus reaches the lake and starts walking on the water. Meanwhile other players came and saw him, and they asked Moses: "What is this guy doing?! What he thinks he's Jesus Christ or something?!"

Moses: Actually, he thinks he's Tiger Woods.

Flynn

Jul 17th, 2006, 9:34 AM

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street. They see a little boy. The priest says "let's screw him". The Rabbi replies "out of what?".

Philosopher Foelhe

Jul 21st, 2006, 6:03 PM

This is probably something everyone's seen before, but I thought it might be worth a look (http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/14e5cfe8).

Flynn

Jul 21st, 2006, 7:22 PM

This is probably something everyone's seen before, but I thought it might be worth a look (http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/14e5cfe8).
That reminded me of the Jesus RPG series over at YTMND. Check these out:

http://jesusrpg.ytmnd.com/
http://jesusrpg2.ytmnd.com/
http://jesusrpg3.ytmnd.com/
http://jesusrpgadventure.ytmnd.com/

Doomer

Aug 30th, 2006, 9:49 PM

Evangelist drowns trying to walk on water
Pastor reportedly told congregation he could repeat miracle of Jesus

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Posted: August 30, 2006
6:14 p.m. Eastern

© 2006 WorldNetDaily.com

An evangelist who tried replicating Jesus' miracle of walking on water has reportedly drowned off the western coast of Africa.

Pastor Franck Kabele, 35, told his congregation he could repeat the biblical miracle, and he attempted it from a beach in Gabon's capital of Libreville.

"He told churchgoers he'd had a revelation that if he had enough faith, he could walk on water like Jesus," an eyewitness told the Glasgow Daily Record.

"He took his congregation to the beach saying he would walk across the Komo estuary, which takes 20 minutes by boat. He walked into the water, which soon passed over his head and he never came back."

The New Testament records the story of Jesus walking on the Sea of Galilee as he approached his disciples in a boat.

"And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea." (Matthew 14:25)

http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=51760